Wednesday, March 19, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 5: Music and How It Drives Us Crazy

Just saying you all look really lovely tonight. Every one of you. And I'm not just saying it. I really mean it. You are all ridiculously good looking....

And yeah we're a  week late, but here is our fifth episode of the SAL. In this week's episode we shoot the bull about the ongoing  love/hate relationship Apostolics have with music.

 We ponder how in the world all those risque, erotic Christian songs get made, and just how many teaspoons of Satan there are in each secular album. And also manage to throw in a Home Alone 2 and Ghost reference for the cinema-minded audience out there.So please join us as we fight the fight of the good guys without the actual fighting part.

Most importantly,.... our next podcast will have special guest and fellow heretic, Slapastolic... which, yeah.... that's happening...

And now here's your link you adorable audience you....

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 4: Interview with Roy Fisher

No, this isn't us, we couldn't pick a good picture so we googled 'Radio Interview' and found this...soo.... close enough.

SAL's been busy,  Logan just bought Final Fantasy XIV and Joel just enrolled in the dollar shave club. (seriously, you gotta check out Dr Carver's easy shave butter)

Thankfully however, SAL still had time to sit down with a close friend of the podcast, Roy Fisher. For those unfamiliar, Roy Fisher hates titles. Roy Fisher is also not the author of this here blog, so he'll have to deal with some title attributing: Roy Fisher is all of these at the exact same moment (don't ask): He's a  professor, a pastor, a patron of panoptic analysis, a postmodernist, and also a doctorate student in the Ancient Near-Eastern Studies department at UC-Berkeley where he studies social memory and identity construction in early biblical interpretation. His formal, bestowed title is "Dissident Apostolic Intellectual." Long story short: He's the Dude, man. And also know that Roy hates us right now for listing all that but we couldn't help ourselves.  But beyond all this riff-raff, know this: Roy was Joel's dear professor once upon a time.

Also, couldn't find a photogenic photo of Roy gracefully teaching Joel the word, so this should do.

And so but like, Joel made a grievous error and forgot to properly locate the podcast participants within the world of social media.... But if you folk like what Roy has to say then follow him on twitter, because he's going to be launching some cool ideas/projects in the near future regarding his bricolage efforts vis-a-vis the apostolic movement (this will make sense once you listen to the podcast)...

Roy's twitter: @RoyalFisher

And as always: @ltmiles is Logan. And @stuffaposlike is the generic brand.

Anywho, the boys talk about some pretty deep stuff below while Logan sits in the corner and plays with a yo-yo.

P.S. Roy is not to be confused with this guy.

Or this guy.

Monday, February 24, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 3: Jeff Arnold: Poet, Magician, Disney Apologist, Demon Hunter, Heavy Metal Rockstar

Last week Joel and Logan chatted about the myriad of shenanigans preachers attempt all in the name of killin the devil and makin sure we sheep get saved and stay saved, Bless GOD!  Most of the men who were guilty of such hilarity always had two things in common:  1) They were all young whippersnapping bible college students. 2) In their bible college dorm room, instead of a Cindy Crawford or Pamela Anderson poster just spread out above their bed, it was a gigantic poster of Jeff Arnold with veins bulging out of his neck and it always looked as if he was about to take a metal folding chair and bash it over some random sinner's head.

But this of course was from a time long long ago. A time when the preaching was real. And the blood wasn't just ketchup. No sir. Back then,  when you saw blood on the preacher, it was Real Preacher Blood. A time when church members would shout counter prophesies at each other, and all this just before  the altar call erupted into in an all out royal rumble of people praying the devil out of each other until there was a real, genuine breakthrough which could only be certified with you being slain in the spirit right then and there at that very altar. This was the time of Jeff Arnold. A time when we wouldn't stare and scratch our head and cringe over every other sentence he spoke. Back then, Jeff Arnold seemed halfway sane.

This week at SAL, the boys talk about the profound, poetic quotes they discover on twitter attributed to JA, fan fiction, psychoanalytical thought processes, fundamental faith in the face of totalitarian political correctness, and Inner Circle's music and it's appropriateness at the present time.

I have a feeling we're going to need to update our life insurance policy after this one.

Also, for reference.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 2: Apostolic Preacher Shenanigans

There was once was a dude who was a real buzzkill at parties that would rock a mustache that looked like a Swiffer Duster® after a haggard trip through a really old Victorian house.  He once said after a couple rounds of scotch and maybe a few episodes of Two and a Half Men, 'When you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.' 

That makes us here at SAL ponder what stares back at preachers when they stand nervously on the pulpit spitting lines into the abyss while dressed to the nines.  Especially on the rare circumstance there's a black knight in the crowd who just doesn't get with the program. (Tis but a scratch!)

Instead of sending a couple fish to their door via FedEx, in this week's podcast we reminisce on some good ol' shenanigans preachers dabbled in while also coming to the realization of our own regret at not pursuing it as a profession ourselves.

Joel and Logan originally meant to talk about Mr. Magoo and other cartoon characters they enjoy watching on Saturday who also preach on Sunday.  However, like all great fast food restaurant openings in the middle of the ghetto, we were sidetracked at first by cleaning up the welcoming graffiti and quarantining our bathroom after some middle school gang children performed an upper decker. In sum: We're talking preachers and naming names.

On Monday we'll post our third podcast: "Apostolic Preacher Shenanigans 2.0: Jeff Arnold Tribute edition." Which, is exactly like it sounds.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 1: Apostolic Dating and its Discontents

We at Stuff Apostolics Like have been in a mood lately. Like all drama all the time. Dead eyed and serious. Trade the t-shirt for the tie and think about the meaning of life and stuff. We even did some deep soul searching of the blog itself and gazed into it's very depths and found a glaring void in the precise space one would expect to find a soul. 

And so we at SAL set out to create a shiny podcast to fill in that soulless void.

And  lo, on the tenth of February in the precious Year of Our Lord 2014, Logan T. Miles and I forged the first Stuff Apostolics Like podcast episode which you can find below. There you will find Logan and I reminiscing about the joys and pangs of dating within the Apostolic realm, musings on online dating, a discursive analysis of David's methods of seduction, and a debate surrounding the merits of Game of Thrones.

You can stream it below or if you want to put it on your little podcast playing devices, right click the link and hit "Save audio as" and then "Save."

Thursday, January 30, 2014

#280-Jeff Arnold and His "Idiot" Friends.

So basically this happened last week at Because of the Times (no, not the Kings of Leon album, but the preacher's conference that was named after the album):

And by "this happened" I really mean a Jeff Arnold sermon-rant to formally announce his senility. Literally, the dude was Khrushchev slamming his shoe on a podium, a rambling Richard Sherman in a postgame interview, a conservative Michael "Shame on you Mr. Bush" Moore at the Oscars. In short, Jeff Arnold pulled a Kanye in front of anyone who matters in the UPC. And it's not like we didn't see it coming.

For those who haven't been paying attention to Twitter or simply got wise enough to not really care one iota about the ongoing Reality TV tragicomedy that is the UPC, let me tell ya, you're missing a whole lot of chuckle moments.

But to catch you up to speed.. here's the run-down of Mr. Arnold's sermon:

-Confesses aspirations to be lauded by God as one of the greatest preachers of all-time.

-Confirms this greatness by unleashing what is allegedly one of the most homophobic and "hate your enemy" rants of all time. "Fag" was thrown about freely and not just for shock value but because he's Jeff Arnold and he reads his Bible, man. (Proof of God's grace: God chose Arnold to be a preacher and not someone who can change much of anything. So thank God Arnold is all talk, because if this guy found himself in some real kind of political position, there'd be no telling what kind of hate laws he'd be throwing around right about now. And no telling what kind of quack-job excuses people would come up with to defend this hypothetical, hate-mongering Congressman Arnold. )

-A nice little oratory aside that bashed that there Barack Hussein Obama. Which included a little throw-in that called African-Americans "darkies." And since the audio/video has been so generously cast to the Sea of Forgetfulness, we'll have to rely on a paraphrase of how Arnold used the term "Darkie": "What's the world coming to when you have darkies in the White House and whities working the cotton fields?"

And then to top it off... how bout his knockout punch: Calling our president a faggot.

I wish I were joking. But i'm not.

-The most entertaining tirade was aimed indirectly at John Maxwell by way of a revered UPCI licensed minister... Specifically a Pastor Stan Gleason... and roll film:

 To give you  context: It was the unnamed Stan Gleason who purported to expound on John Maxwell's point earlier that evening. And it was this point that Arnold was alluding to when he decided to just go all guns a' blazin and call Gleason.... An Idiot

Now cue our unofficial Jeff Arnold theme song to fully enhance your reading pleasure:
 Because Of The Times 2014 somehow ended up being The Comedy Central Roast Of Rev. Stan Gleason, except instead of funny it was just sad. Not sad because a well-known and loved man was verbally accosted in front of a couple G’s worth of people. Not even sad because it was like watching someone advance two stages in Alzheimer’s before our very eyes. The saddest part is what followed.

-Those seeking to purchase the anointed and soul-winning word given that evening by Rev. Jeffrey “The Insult Comic” Arnold were told it wouldn’t be available because “it’s being edited.” Shortly thereafter videos posted or tweeted by attendees were requested to be taken down. A tweet went out (reportedly, its since been removed, if anyone has a screen shot please send it) which instructed people “not to tweet what Jeff Arnold is saying right now.” (*edit* an anonymous commenter sent us the picture. See below*)

Luckily for your trusty Apostolic version of TMZ, we gots two of the vids before the Christian NSA pulled them. Of course, one person commented, “Take this down,” and I was DM’d on Twitter “In the name of Jesus take this down.” Jesus on the mainline, tell him what you want! “Um yeah Jesus, can you get these guys to delete a youtube video? Kthxbai!”

The uploader of the video himself was sent a letter by one of the UPC big wigs asking him to like, you know, just like, in the name of all error passing under the blood, just you know, be a good sport and take it down because at the end of the day we are all brothers in Christ.

And I'm all like, I don't want to be a part of any system where me and that there Jeff Arnold are "brothers in Christ."

Now, dear reader, you may think this post is all about the wickity wack nonsensical freestyle Jeff was spitting. But Jeff throws down with this veracity all the time. The troubling thing is what the followed after the message..

If there’s one thing the UPCI is proud of it’s “the Truth.” It’s on banners. It’s the subject of horribly written books. It’s the name. It’s an identity. But somewhere along this narrative of truthiness, my homies in the UPC ceased caring about being true. Being true to morals. Being true to ethics. Being true to society. Loving true, serving true, speaking true. For Gods sake, LIVING TRUE.

How does The Truth respond to a controversy? The same way every crooked politician, every plundering banker, every despot and delinquent does. They tried. To cover. It up. Like a cat burying it’s turd, they tried to hide this turd of a sermon.

They could have let it stand on it’s own. We live and die by our merit and given the opportunity, this festering piece of crap of a sermon could have been eye rolled into obscurity and passed off as “well that’s just Jeffy Pop, what do you expect?”

But what DO you expect POA? You know this guy. You know what he’s capable of. In an increasingly ADD society. What do you think someone’s going to do who thrives on being edgy? It’s 2014! He’s competing with Miley, Kanye and another Scorsese coke-fest. He’d have to put on a donkey show to get the same reactions he got twenty years ago and those reactions are like a drug to the guy! He’s the washed up actress from when we were teenagers who shows her naughty bits in Playboy just to keep the kids in private school!

Does this sound profane to you? Just following the lead of my favorite man of God, my bad.

But let's take a real big step back and realize the bigger problem: It's not about just how much of hell's fury is permissible three years after you started becoming pastor. It's not about whether or not Arnold is anointed at this. And it's not even over whether or not the Truth is to be censored, BLESS GOD. Because that's all opinion, and somehow we believe having an opinion actually matters. In a world of FOX NEWS, MSNBC's, and rambling maniacal news broadcasters, opinion and commentary is all we watch and it's the only way we know how to communicate when something scandalous happens. I'm no different. And it feels icky just being one more voice out here kinda upset/kinda laughing real hard over this Arnold mess.... When all Arnold was really doing was spewing out politically incorrect opinions of his own. Really, opinions are boring and they distract from the bigger point:

Jeff Arnold is a symptom of the UPC and not the cause of it's problems. More specifically, Mangun and the rest of the POA/BOTT leadership team were trying real hard to enact damage control to soften the blow of any resulting controversy over what Arnold said (sadly more people are pissed at Arnold's "Idiot" comment than really showing the slightest bit of concern that his hate speech  may be causing more and more segregation in the Pentecostal ranks and likewise alienating any potential homosexual from coming back to the UPC).....

But whichever old-man Arnold rant angers us the most, the point is the BOTT staff knew what they were getting into with Arnold and they facilitated it, because, "For a good sermon, Call Jeff at 555-QUACK." Arnold's entertaining. And Mangun gave BOTT what it really prizes: An entertainer. And sure the UPC may just like downplay the whole thing and say "Gleason and Arnold are friends and it's really just a bit of miscommunication is all." And that sounds all nice and cute and pretty, but don't fall for such rhetorical nonsense. Jeff Arnold's sermon is not the rare mishap. It's rather the bad apple that grew from a rotten tree. The UPC needs loud and obnoxious preachers to keep our attention and Arnold is just that. Otherwise we'd just quickly yawn and look at our watches and wonder when is this whole thing gonna end so I can go flirt with the girl of my dreams at Applebee's.

But for now, we'll get a tranquilized/muzzled Jeff Arnold and the Pentecostal of Alexandria leadership team will put on it's smiling face and be all polite and shake your hand and when you bring up the Arnold sermon, they'll chuckle and change the conversation real fast. And it's gonna be boring.  And we'll stop listening and look for the next Kanye/Arnold/Richard Shermon on youtube, and we'll laugh and get angry and really not care for the BOTT as much because they aren't producing that kind of reality tv show Jeff Arnold rant-a-thon anymore....

But everyone will be cozy and the UPC will be able to quietly and gradually fade away. And this time,  without comment.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

#279-The UPCI Hates Children

Friend points out through a friend I haven't posted in a long bit.... so let's do it:

In school, gym was my favorite class. I was no jock. I just loved playing sports. I grew up, throughout high-school wearing pants in gym class.

No biggie right? Until you get to high school and guys' testosterone goes all like whoa and I'm the tiniest kid in my grade and i'm the only boy wearing pants during gym class.....

2 + 2 = I'm the target for all sexually repressed bully boys to get at.....

I became "pants boy." I got punched many times over in gym class because I was such an easy target....and yeah I was even "pantsed" to the point that I was stripped down naked in front of my entire class simply because I was wearing pants because of my religious belief.

But as for me, back then, as a confused kid... I thought such a kind of persecution was to be expected in the name of the Lord. Like Jesus Christ Himself you know?

So I learned to keep my tears on hold as the girl I wanted to marry laughed at me as she saw me naked in gym class...just learned to be late to class after gym is all:

Learn to  just cry real quiet in the showers simply because I wore pants... because I was told by my  pastor to wear pants... because that's what his bible told him to do is all....

But all in the name of Christ right? And that's why I could deal with the tears. If Jesus cried for being killed, surely I could cry for having to wear pants, right?

Learned to get a thick skin. Hoped it went away. Never went away. Dudes ask why I never wore pants. Tell them "My God wouldn't let me." They'd laugh and call me "faggot" and then pants me. That was the way man. I was a puny kid. And yeah it was as pitiful as it sounds. You get used to it to the point that when I hear about kids getting bullied I think to myself "I got through it, why can't they?!?" Doesn't make it right....

And yeah... those insults, they never went away in high school. But it's okay... those bullies made me who I am right?

(1868 ad against northerners moving down south)

The KKK started in 1865.

Does the year ring a bell?

And I'm not talking about Lincoln....

I'm talking about when the civil war was won for America. And the South lost. This is when the KKK started.

Except some bitter southern folks with their panties in a bunch started the kkk. Started burning crosses.
And up to a hundred years later were killing black men because AMERICA WAS WHITE ANGLO-SAXON PROTESTANT FORGODSAKES! And when things got strained, they killed black men who allegedly dated white women.


And I'm not about to compare our age with what has come before us....

But I'm just saying, there were people who thought they were in the right and in God's will within the past century.....

But like.... I have an older sister who has the sensibility to do her due diligence in figuring out what she was supposed to believe and ....

come on UPCI: (from their website)

Boy Scouts of America. As you have probably heard, the Boy Scouts recently voted to open its membership to boys who openly profess to be homosexual. The General School Division oversees our scouting program, and they are working on a suitable alternative for our churches. In the meantime the Executive Board adopted the following statement, which is available at
"The UPCI welcomes everyone to attend its churches and to participate in worship events. At the same time, the UPCI teaches that sexual relationships outside the marriage of one man and one woman are contrary to God's will. Moreover, the UPCI rejects the belief that people should define their identity by sexual predispositions, temptations, or acts that are contrary to the Word of God. Recently, the Boy Scouts of America changed its policy to provide for the acceptance of members who openly proclaim a homosexual identity, and local troops are required to implement this policy. The UPCI opposes this policy because it categorizes homosexuality as an essential identity, thereby indicating that homosexual activity is an acceptable moral choice for Christians."

And it's cool, real cool to have your own identity:

Boys freak out at boys who wear pants when they think they should wear shorts.

Girls freak out at girls when they should get a hair cut.

Adults freak out a blacks for being sub-human. And then decide to kill them....

Adults make it real understood that if you're a boy and you may like other boys, you aren't welcome here. And if you're a girl who may be likes girls... well screw you! Get out! And if you're parents are in the UPC? Say nothing. Say nothing about what you are feeling in your confusion as a kid. Because if you're a cool kid looking for the truth, you'll be straight!!!! No hurt feelings!. LOL

Commit those kids to a gutter why don't you...Wait no, commit them to hell before they even have a chance to express themselves...

All in the name of the Boy Scouts of America folding on hating on kids who think they may be gay...

Seriously?!? Seriously?!?

Who is the UPC's Jesus at this point? Other than a Jesus whose looking to make money off the failure of the Boy Scout's own homophobia gone-a-wry?

And let's think...

real hard now...

As a kid who grew up in the UPC who got pantsed naked in front of a class of 40 kids as I was called faggot because I wore pants.....

Let's think about persecution....

Let's think about what it feels like... the soar bump in your throat you hold back as a confused 12 year old kid... looking for anyone...trying not to cry

Dear God.. I was looking for love. I was looking for a hug. Holding back that bump in your throat for two years:

And suddenly you're a 14 year old boy who was supposed to be a man but could only give you a choked-up explanation of why I looked like a fool on an 85 degree day all in the name of Christ....

And by the time your 14, you learn to take the punches and bow your head and then nod a little and say.... so this... this is how it goes? The tears are dead by then...

And yeah man, it was embarrassing.... But long-term it was fine. Didn't mind...

And you find out years later.... you got friends who suffered way more than you. Years where those friends couldn't even express the pain that I could express to my youth group.

And these were my best friends. People you could hug and do a jig with and then make fun of each other about without worrying what each person thought....The friends that literally want nothing other than a friday night than to just hang out for the sake of having a laugh and having no worries and just enjoying communion as brothers and enjoying acting as awkward human beings unsure of how to behave as Oneness Pentecostals....

You find out those friends went through a hell of a lot more because they were gay. And grew up in the same denomination that you did. And while I felt bad about myself about  wearing pants when other kids were wearing shorts, my friends were raised being told they were going to hell  forever....

So like when you're out to hurt someone we understand trying to make fun of it...

But when you're a religious denomination representing the truth of Christianity and there on your very website is a paragraph about how you're out to banning confused boys if they think they are possibly gay?!?

And this is why the UPC reminds me of a 13 year old bitter child who realizes that no girls like them.....
Let's be rational human beings? Who wrote that paragraph? And until that paragraph is retracted let's do the UPC a favor and let them know that if they want to go to heaven, they'll have to stop hating on children:

"6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
7 Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!"

-Jesus (Matthew 18:6-7)

Let's extract: If you're a barrier to children finding Christ because you're banning them from a cool kid's group with "NO GAYS ALLOWED!" Then you're probably going to hell... (verse 6)

And if you're getting all pissy and cranky because the world is offending you (e.g. "Gays can get married!), and you react to the offenses of the world... Jesus has an outright "Woe!" for you...(verse 7)

In conclusion: The UPCI is going to Super Hell and in the mean time Jesus is all like "woe! This is some screwed up immature nonsense you guys!"

Because, when you're claiming to be the Full Truth.... there's nothing sadder than turning away gay kids before they even have the chance to be redeemed by that truth. Like why be so insecure UPC? If  our church pastors and ministers are so confident about the efficacy  of their Truth and are secure in their heterosexuality, what does it hurt to have a ministry that openly embraces gay people? It's not like they're going to turn you gay?

But instead you have the UPCI with all it's sassiness wanting to keep the strange face of a homosexual as far away as possible because there's nothing worse than talking to them and realizing that gay people are human too.