Friday, August 1, 2014

#281-Not Calvinists 2.0 (and how they think they're smart but only went to bible college). AKA how John Piper and Mark Driscoll should be preached against

Absence explained by illustration below (post is just a something until the podcasts gets going again,  Below are some thoughts that are probably way too nerdy in a theological sense,.. if none of the below makes sense, I apologies):

Calvin: Hello my name is John Calvin and my initials are J.C. which is not a coincidence and I wrote this: Okay scripture says that God controls everything. Because He's God. He knows everything too since yeah, he's totally.... God. And if He's God He must be awesome. He's God and his ways are above our ways, got that? And like, okay, if He knows everything then that means he knows the whole future too. Not to mention that everything has a meaning even if we don't understand the meaning (Yes that includes the holocaust). Yeah that's far out there, but it's the whole truth and if you question this..... well you're questioning the conductor of the whole know, God.... and compared to God, we are kinda crappy. Wait. No. compared to God we are really really crappy. So crappy that compared to God, we like a pile steaming good for nothing crap. Totally useless crap. And what is  useless crap in comparison with God you know?
Compared to the totally infinite God, the finite, ditzy us can't really say anything. Because like, we're sinners duh! And I was like we got scripture too for this. Like it doesn't matter that strangely the whole God-in-complete-control of everything business started coming about way late in the Old Testament after Greeks started philosophizing to us.... scripture is scripture and we can't question anything.... Remember, we're like really really depraved. So depraved that we can't really do anything to get saved. Because getting saved is Godly stuff.... and how can we humans do anything Godly in comparison to almighty-king-of this-whole creation, one and only God? Therefore it must be God who chooses to save us.... and  not only that, but God does the saving thing too... you know, atonement, redemption, when you have faith or get saved or what not... Well it wasn't you who got saved. Remember, you are crap. And how does crap get saved? Well not be doing things that crappy stuff does. It must therefore totally be God. He's a freak like that and he does whatever he darn well pleases you got me? And you can't say anything against that because you are depraved. And that's the truth.
And I can hear all you ego-maniacal self-loving liberals saying  things like... "well how can God say he loves us when he will knowingly send us to hell? Especially if he has the power to save all of us? ... God is love you know? And what kind of love would allow people to go to hell when God could do otherwise?"
And I'm all like "trick you crazy. You ain't God. God's love is a waaaay beyond the love that we know. Yeah some of this stuff doesn't make sense but I'm a crappy depraved human being like you so considering our limited mind...well......all I can say is I'll take God's way being above the way we think and reason."

Immanuel Kant:  and I have a sweet name and I like formal dinner parties and I wrote this: Yo Calvin I get what you're throwing down.... but like we got a few issues here man. I mean I'm with you about the whole infinite God thing...maybe... but I like the effort. But there's a problem....if we're so finite and depraved....which...I think we are too... then really we can't talk much about God and what he's like and not like. You may say that the Bible tells us the truth of God... but that truth of God  is mediated through a lot of human rationality and finite thinking and reason in terms of you as the Bible's reader and interpreter. It's written by humans in a human language... and like us humans have limits to our reasoning skills... so to say that we understand that God's love is above our version of love is still a kind of human logic right?

Calvin: You're lost in philosophy gettin' all 'ere smartsy fartsy. I got God's grace ya hear? You wouldn't understand none of that though. God loves me and I'm chosen. Ur not. And God'll knock you down a couple of inches if ya don't shut ur mouth. Don't come around here questioning God.
I Killed Michael Servetus and I'll kill you if you don't shut your mouth.

 Hegel: LOL. First off screw that Calvin guy. If God's love is above our love.... then that means our human version of love isn't love at all you nimwit. Stop telling your wife you love her unless you're that ignorant to think your human crappy love resembles anything like God's love that apparently is inconceivable to us.

Secondly Kant you were onto something. Except totally off... Making this whole thing about the limits of reason. Yeah that's cool and all, but excuse me while I spend a few seconds sticking my finger down my throat acting like I'm gagging and the next few seconds popping my gat in your metaphorical shins. What you say about our limited reason and our inability to comprehend God is true about us humans as a whole species... Not just on reason alone. It's not like we're sittin around thinking and rationalizing and knowing our limits. For instance, let's say that you confirm what God's will is in your life by the way you feel when you pray at certain times.... Well those feelings are limited too.... You can confuse feelings as what you think is God's confirmation that he has called you to be Christian... but that is all the interpretation and understanding of a limited human. How is this not obvious? Simple simple stuff really. This is why Mormons say they feel God and think that means anything. This is why non-Christians feel God and say it's proof that they're God is real... We can either say they are lying about their feelings, which is pathetic... or you can realize that feelings themselves are not really a confirmation of anything since it's something we humans experience and interpret in each of our lives. We're humans above all. This can't be escaped no matter how much you feel or think you have special insight about how your authority comes from someone on high. Every human wants to think they're special. And you may have God on your side... but let's use a little common sense and a little decency that treats humans likes humans and stop fooling ourselves. This is called ontology and if you stopped focusing on epistemology Kant, you could have been as gangsta as me.

Basically if you're human... and speak/think/feel/act like a human... and describe  a system beyond our human understanding, you are contradicting yourself. Because the description of God/heaven required a human language/thought. It's like a scientist who tried telling us what happened before the big bang and thinking he's still doing science. That scientist would be laughed at and possibly made into a creole pasta.

Calvin you can say you are depraved all you want.... and you can spend a whole lot of time working out a system that describes Christian theology..... but the fact that you are rationalizing and articulating your beliefs in human language is just making you look like your thinking privileges ought to be taken away. And you may say "it's not by flesh and blood... but by spirit...." and yeah I wrote a whole book on the philosophy of the spirit so don't even get me started on that issue. My point is you act like your theology is some-how safe from philosophical ridicule but c'mon man... all this has been was philosophy with the emotions of a preacher.

It's like those dudes who get lost in the trinity or even Oneness theology trying to explain it and then after coming to one contradiction or another... they say "well it's a mystery." What an escapist bunch of self-delusional drivel. If it's a mystery then we can't even talk about it. If you can articulate it.... then your very own description of the limits of our understanding of God's love is really just putting God in a box all over again... except it lies to itself and says it's not putting it in a box.
 Stop acting like you're depraved. If you're depraved you wouldn't have any ability to talk about God's love being beyond our understanding of love at all.

Calvin, I'm not saying that you're an idiot.... but you're kinda an idiot. You can't step outside of being human while you are here dude. Man up to your humanity and stop acting like you're above humanity by claiming to be depraved. If we're crap in comparison to God, then we'd never be able to come to any thought to communicate about God whatsoever. Calvin you need a time out.

 Calvin:"I'm America!, and this here is the chosen people and I'm special!"

John Piper: Don't worry about him JC Jr. What we have here is a good for nothing Armenian who loves himself some free will. And besides... tell those guys that this is where faith comes in.

Hegel: LOL. Who said anything about free will?  And who invited this guy? And Faith? .....Did you even read anything I wrote? Of course not, you're John Piper with a ph. d from a school that should have known better...At least understand faith outside of a definition that acts like faith is a  blanket that covers up all the holes in what we say God/Truth is."
As they say in some parts: SMH.


Name's Mark Driscoll and on behalf of me, the Bible and God...
Boyz Rule! Girls Drool!


Postscript Summary: The above is basically my attempt to call out the stupidity of Neo-Calvinists. Which yeah, don't worry about the term...

But basically, Ex-Apostolic males seem to have an unconscious gravitational pull once they leave the UPC. Basically they find that the UPC's logic about the truth isn't logical enough (true). And then shoot for the more logical theology (neo-calvinism).....which is even more wrong since it bases itself in cessationism.

Except they've never been educated on how to think for themselves. And that's the error. It's a sad world where the only "thinking" options are three authors who sell their books in barnes & nobles: Driscoll/Bell/N.T. Wright.

Those guys are cute and all.... but there's a reason why their theology makes sense: It's mucky muck.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 5: Music and How It Drives Us Crazy

Just saying you all look really lovely tonight. Every one of you. And I'm not just saying it. I really mean it. You are all ridiculously good looking....

And yeah we're a  week late, but here is our fifth episode of the SAL. In this week's episode we shoot the bull about the ongoing  love/hate relationship Apostolics have with music.

 We ponder how in the world all those risque, erotic Christian songs get made, and just how many teaspoons of Satan there are in each secular album. And also manage to throw in a Home Alone 2 and Ghost reference for the cinema-minded audience out there.So please join us as we fight the fight of the good guys without the actual fighting part.

Most importantly,.... our next podcast will have special guest and fellow heretic, Slapastolic... which, yeah.... that's happening...

And now here's your link you adorable audience you....

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 4: Interview with Roy Fisher

No, this isn't us, we couldn't pick a good picture so we googled 'Radio Interview' and found this...soo.... close enough.

SAL's been busy,  Logan just bought Final Fantasy XIV and Joel just enrolled in the dollar shave club. (seriously, you gotta check out Dr Carver's easy shave butter)

Thankfully however, SAL still had time to sit down with a close friend of the podcast, Roy Fisher. For those unfamiliar, Roy Fisher hates titles. Roy Fisher is also not the author of this here blog, so he'll have to deal with some title attributing: Roy Fisher is all of these at the exact same moment (don't ask): He's a  professor, a pastor, a patron of panoptic analysis, a postmodernist, and also a doctorate student in the Ancient Near-Eastern Studies department at UC-Berkeley where he studies social memory and identity construction in early biblical interpretation. His formal, bestowed title is "Dissident Apostolic Intellectual." Long story short: He's the Dude, man. And also know that Roy hates us right now for listing all that but we couldn't help ourselves.  But beyond all this riff-raff, know this: Roy was Joel's dear professor once upon a time.

Also, couldn't find a photogenic photo of Roy gracefully teaching Joel the word, so this should do.

And so but like, Joel made a grievous error and forgot to properly locate the podcast participants within the world of social media.... But if you folk like what Roy has to say then follow him on twitter, because he's going to be launching some cool ideas/projects in the near future regarding his bricolage efforts vis-a-vis the apostolic movement (this will make sense once you listen to the podcast)...

Roy's twitter: @RoyalFisher

And as always: @ltmiles is Logan. And @stuffaposlike is the generic brand.

Anywho, the boys talk about some pretty deep stuff below while Logan sits in the corner and plays with a yo-yo.

P.S. Roy is not to be confused with this guy.

Or this guy.

Monday, February 24, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 3: Jeff Arnold: Poet, Magician, Disney Apologist, Demon Hunter, Heavy Metal Rockstar

Last week Joel and Logan chatted about the myriad of shenanigans preachers attempt all in the name of killin the devil and makin sure we sheep get saved and stay saved, Bless GOD!  Most of the men who were guilty of such hilarity always had two things in common:  1) They were all young whippersnapping bible college students. 2) In their bible college dorm room, instead of a Cindy Crawford or Pamela Anderson poster just spread out above their bed, it was a gigantic poster of Jeff Arnold with veins bulging out of his neck and it always looked as if he was about to take a metal folding chair and bash it over some random sinner's head.

But this of course was from a time long long ago. A time when the preaching was real. And the blood wasn't just ketchup. No sir. Back then,  when you saw blood on the preacher, it was Real Preacher Blood. A time when church members would shout counter prophesies at each other, and all this just before  the altar call erupted into in an all out royal rumble of people praying the devil out of each other until there was a real, genuine breakthrough which could only be certified with you being slain in the spirit right then and there at that very altar. This was the time of Jeff Arnold. A time when we wouldn't stare and scratch our head and cringe over every other sentence he spoke. Back then, Jeff Arnold seemed halfway sane.

This week at SAL, the boys talk about the profound, poetic quotes they discover on twitter attributed to JA, fan fiction, psychoanalytical thought processes, fundamental faith in the face of totalitarian political correctness, and Inner Circle's music and it's appropriateness at the present time.

I have a feeling we're going to need to update our life insurance policy after this one.

Also, for reference.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 2: Apostolic Preacher Shenanigans

There was once was a dude who was a real buzzkill at parties that would rock a mustache that looked like a Swiffer Duster® after a haggard trip through a really old Victorian house.  He once said after a couple rounds of scotch and maybe a few episodes of Two and a Half Men, 'When you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you.' 

That makes us here at SAL ponder what stares back at preachers when they stand nervously on the pulpit spitting lines into the abyss while dressed to the nines.  Especially on the rare circumstance there's a black knight in the crowd who just doesn't get with the program. (Tis but a scratch!)

Instead of sending a couple fish to their door via FedEx, in this week's podcast we reminisce on some good ol' shenanigans preachers dabbled in while also coming to the realization of our own regret at not pursuing it as a profession ourselves.

Joel and Logan originally meant to talk about Mr. Magoo and other cartoon characters they enjoy watching on Saturday who also preach on Sunday.  However, like all great fast food restaurant openings in the middle of the ghetto, we were sidetracked at first by cleaning up the welcoming graffiti and quarantining our bathroom after some middle school gang children performed an upper decker. In sum: We're talking preachers and naming names.

On Monday we'll post our third podcast: "Apostolic Preacher Shenanigans 2.0: Jeff Arnold Tribute edition." Which, is exactly like it sounds.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

SAL Podcast, Episode 1: Apostolic Dating and its Discontents

We at Stuff Apostolics Like have been in a mood lately. Like all drama all the time. Dead eyed and serious. Trade the t-shirt for the tie and think about the meaning of life and stuff. We even did some deep soul searching of the blog itself and gazed into it's very depths and found a glaring void in the precise space one would expect to find a soul. 

And so we at SAL set out to create a shiny podcast to fill in that soulless void.

And  lo, on the tenth of February in the precious Year of Our Lord 2014, Logan T. Miles and I forged the first Stuff Apostolics Like podcast episode which you can find below. There you will find Logan and I reminiscing about the joys and pangs of dating within the Apostolic realm, musings on online dating, a discursive analysis of David's methods of seduction, and a debate surrounding the merits of Game of Thrones.

You can stream it below or if you want to put it on your little podcast playing devices, right click the link and hit "Save audio as" and then "Save."

Thursday, January 30, 2014

#280-Jeff Arnold and His "Idiot" Friends.

So basically this happened last week at Because of the Times (no, not the Kings of Leon album, but the preacher's conference that was named after the album):

And by "this happened" I really mean a Jeff Arnold sermon-rant to formally announce his senility. Literally, the dude was Khrushchev slamming his shoe on a podium, a rambling Richard Sherman in a postgame interview, a conservative Michael "Shame on you Mr. Bush" Moore at the Oscars. In short, Jeff Arnold pulled a Kanye in front of anyone who matters in the UPC. And it's not like we didn't see it coming.

For those who haven't been paying attention to Twitter or simply got wise enough to not really care one iota about the ongoing Reality TV tragicomedy that is the UPC, let me tell ya, you're missing a whole lot of chuckle moments.

But to catch you up to speed.. here's the run-down of Mr. Arnold's sermon:

-Confesses aspirations to be lauded by God as one of the greatest preachers of all-time.

-Confirms this greatness by unleashing what is allegedly one of the most homophobic and "hate your enemy" rants of all time. "Fag" was thrown about freely and not just for shock value but because he's Jeff Arnold and he reads his Bible, man. (Proof of God's grace: God chose Arnold to be a preacher and not someone who can change much of anything. So thank God Arnold is all talk, because if this guy found himself in some real kind of political position, there'd be no telling what kind of hate laws he'd be throwing around right about now. And no telling what kind of quack-job excuses people would come up with to defend this hypothetical, hate-mongering Congressman Arnold. )

-A nice little oratory aside that bashed that there Barack Hussein Obama. Which included a little throw-in that called African-Americans "darkies." And since the audio/video has been so generously cast to the Sea of Forgetfulness, we'll have to rely on a paraphrase of how Arnold used the term "Darkie": "What's the world coming to when you have darkies in the White House and whities working the cotton fields?"

And then to top it off... how bout his knockout punch: Calling our president a faggot.

I wish I were joking. But i'm not.

-The most entertaining tirade was aimed indirectly at John Maxwell by way of a revered UPCI licensed minister... Specifically a Pastor Stan Gleason... and roll film:

 To give you  context: It was the unnamed Stan Gleason who purported to expound on John Maxwell's point earlier that evening. And it was this point that Arnold was alluding to when he decided to just go all guns a' blazin and call Gleason.... An Idiot

Now cue our unofficial Jeff Arnold theme song to fully enhance your reading pleasure:
 Because Of The Times 2014 somehow ended up being The Comedy Central Roast Of Rev. Stan Gleason, except instead of funny it was just sad. Not sad because a well-known and loved man was verbally accosted in front of a couple G’s worth of people. Not even sad because it was like watching someone advance two stages in Alzheimer’s before our very eyes. The saddest part is what followed.

-Those seeking to purchase the anointed and soul-winning word given that evening by Rev. Jeffrey “The Insult Comic” Arnold were told it wouldn’t be available because “it’s being edited.” Shortly thereafter videos posted or tweeted by attendees were requested to be taken down. A tweet went out (reportedly, its since been removed, if anyone has a screen shot please send it) which instructed people “not to tweet what Jeff Arnold is saying right now.” (*edit* an anonymous commenter sent us the picture. See below*)

Luckily for your trusty Apostolic version of TMZ, we gots two of the vids before the Christian NSA pulled them. Of course, one person commented, “Take this down,” and I was DM’d on Twitter “In the name of Jesus take this down.” Jesus on the mainline, tell him what you want! “Um yeah Jesus, can you get these guys to delete a youtube video? Kthxbai!”

The uploader of the video himself was sent a letter by one of the UPC big wigs asking him to like, you know, just like, in the name of all error passing under the blood, just you know, be a good sport and take it down because at the end of the day we are all brothers in Christ.

And I'm all like, I don't want to be a part of any system where me and that there Jeff Arnold are "brothers in Christ."

Now, dear reader, you may think this post is all about the wickity wack nonsensical freestyle Jeff was spitting. But Jeff throws down with this veracity all the time. The troubling thing is what the followed after the message..

If there’s one thing the UPCI is proud of it’s “the Truth.” It’s on banners. It’s the subject of horribly written books. It’s the name. It’s an identity. But somewhere along this narrative of truthiness, my homies in the UPC ceased caring about being true. Being true to morals. Being true to ethics. Being true to society. Loving true, serving true, speaking true. For Gods sake, LIVING TRUE.

How does The Truth respond to a controversy? The same way every crooked politician, every plundering banker, every despot and delinquent does. They tried. To cover. It up. Like a cat burying it’s turd, they tried to hide this turd of a sermon.

They could have let it stand on it’s own. We live and die by our merit and given the opportunity, this festering piece of crap of a sermon could have been eye rolled into obscurity and passed off as “well that’s just Jeffy Pop, what do you expect?”

But what DO you expect POA? You know this guy. You know what he’s capable of. In an increasingly ADD society. What do you think someone’s going to do who thrives on being edgy? It’s 2014! He’s competing with Miley, Kanye and another Scorsese coke-fest. He’d have to put on a donkey show to get the same reactions he got twenty years ago and those reactions are like a drug to the guy! He’s the washed up actress from when we were teenagers who shows her naughty bits in Playboy just to keep the kids in private school!

Does this sound profane to you? Just following the lead of my favorite man of God, my bad.

But let's take a real big step back and realize the bigger problem: It's not about just how much of hell's fury is permissible three years after you started becoming pastor. It's not about whether or not Arnold is anointed at this. And it's not even over whether or not the Truth is to be censored, BLESS GOD. Because that's all opinion, and somehow we believe having an opinion actually matters. In a world of FOX NEWS, MSNBC's, and rambling maniacal news broadcasters, opinion and commentary is all we watch and it's the only way we know how to communicate when something scandalous happens. I'm no different. And it feels icky just being one more voice out here kinda upset/kinda laughing real hard over this Arnold mess.... When all Arnold was really doing was spewing out politically incorrect opinions of his own. Really, opinions are boring and they distract from the bigger point:

Jeff Arnold is a symptom of the UPC and not the cause of it's problems. More specifically, Mangun and the rest of the POA/BOTT leadership team were trying real hard to enact damage control to soften the blow of any resulting controversy over what Arnold said (sadly more people are pissed at Arnold's "Idiot" comment than really showing the slightest bit of concern that his hate speech  may be causing more and more segregation in the Pentecostal ranks and likewise alienating any potential homosexual from coming back to the UPC).....

But whichever old-man Arnold rant angers us the most, the point is the BOTT staff knew what they were getting into with Arnold and they facilitated it, because, "For a good sermon, Call Jeff at 555-QUACK." Arnold's entertaining. And Mangun gave BOTT what it really prizes: An entertainer. And sure the UPC may just like downplay the whole thing and say "Gleason and Arnold are friends and it's really just a bit of miscommunication is all." And that sounds all nice and cute and pretty, but don't fall for such rhetorical nonsense. Jeff Arnold's sermon is not the rare mishap. It's rather the bad apple that grew from a rotten tree. The UPC needs loud and obnoxious preachers to keep our attention and Arnold is just that. Otherwise we'd just quickly yawn and look at our watches and wonder when is this whole thing gonna end so I can go flirt with the girl of my dreams at Applebee's.

But for now, we'll get a tranquilized/muzzled Jeff Arnold and the Pentecostal of Alexandria leadership team will put on it's smiling face and be all polite and shake your hand and when you bring up the Arnold sermon, they'll chuckle and change the conversation real fast. And it's gonna be boring.  And we'll stop listening and look for the next Kanye/Arnold/Richard Shermon on youtube, and we'll laugh and get angry and really not care for the BOTT as much because they aren't producing that kind of reality tv show Jeff Arnold rant-a-thon anymore....

But everyone will be cozy and the UPC will be able to quietly and gradually fade away. And this time,  without comment.