(*Side note - these people are all going to hell*)
Did you hear the big church in your town went charismatic? If they haven’t yet, then BREAKING NEWS: The bigger church in your town is liberal. I don’t know what town you live in, but that’s irrelevant. The big church only has all those people because they’re liberal heretics. But your church? You guys have been prophesied over. You’re going to be the revival center of your city. Yep. Any day now…
But I mean really, let’s break this down. Of course the big church has more people. They have girls in their youth group with cut hair. I saw one of the elders coming out of a movie theater when I was parked across the street looking at the front entrance through my binoculars. Why was I doing that? Because....reasons, shut up. Any church that lets that sort of riff raff go on is bound to have more people. Because that’s why people go to church, right? To feel like they’re going to heaven without having to make any real sacrifices. Not you though. Your church doesn’t even go to Applebee’s because it has a bar in it. Your train is bound for glory.
The big church couldn’t possibly be big because they have talented musicians and awesome music. That’s just another symptom of their charismania. I think the keyboard player is gay anyway. I saw him on Grindr when I was checking to make sure none of our young boys had fallen prey to the enemy.
They couldn’t possibly be big because of their relatable, articulate, intelligent leadership. I mean they don’t even spend time talking about standards. Sure, the sermons may sound good, but once you peel back all that post modern, down to earth, come as you are hippy garbage, all you have left is sharp dressed smooth talker with a killer smile, right? They don’t even have regular members meetings to remind you not to come to church dressed like you’re going to a Sunday school picnic for crying out loud. What kind of church is this? Get involved in the community? Not unless we’re selling peanut brittle.
They couldn’t possibly be big because of their creative, forward thinking, cool guy youth pastor. I mean sure, he’s good looking, his clothes are tailored and the kids love him. It probably doesn’t hurt that his wife is hot. But the lights? The stage décor? The multimedia? They didn’t have Pro Presenter in the upper room and by God we don’t need it now. Hashtag I’m going back to the heart of worship. Smoke and mirrors church, smoke and mirrors. It’s all just a big ruse and they’re all going to hell.
Not us though. Our church is sanctified. Those dusty old songs were good enough for my daddy, my grand daddy and all the way back to William J Seymour and A.D. Urshan. Like hell we’re learning new ones! That big church can take their love everybody attitude and whiny Hillsong, vaguely sexual music and follow the Osteens right down to Trinitarian Town but we ain’t followin’, amiright?!
I mean when is the last time they even preached about the denominal world???
My pastor preached about it just the other day.
Pastor Whitebread was in his groove Sunday. His tie was loose. His top button was undone. The handkerchief was out. He hit us with the opening scripture that had little to do with the following forty-five minute diatribe. He started the story that he flipped on its ear into some allegory that had nothing to do with the opening scripture.
And then he was talking about the Catholics, and the Baptists, and whatever the Duggars are. And when he needed to allude to the local megachurch and differentiate those other denominations from us: the spiritual jews, the crème de la crème, he dropped it.... "The denominal world would have you believe..." and brother as soon as that word left his mouth the anointing fell harder than an Oscar nomination on a conflicted gay protagonist.
Now never mind the fact that the word "denominal" has absolutely nothing to do with the concept of Christian "denominations,” because when Pastor Whitebread gets doused with a fresh dose of anointing he can make words mean anything he wants them to. Was Webster saved when he wrote the dictionary? NO! He’s burning in eternal agony right now and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let some hell-bound ecumenicalist named after a secular 1980s sitcom use his book-learnin to tell me what word means what!
Now I know we Apostolics are literally the only ones concerned with other Christian sects, much less comparing ourselves to other local churches. And even though it’s not a major part of denominal culture, brother it’s such a fundamental part of ours that there aren't even enough existing adjectives and verbs that can be used to talk about it so we have to make up our own! I’ll take any word that sounds like it could mean what I want it to mean and use it however I want, because I’m a man of God and I can!
By God, I’m keeping that proverbial measuring stick within arms reach because nothing is going to bring revival like subtly condescending other churches or denominations that have more success than mine does. They don’t have the truth. Even the ones who do have it are compromising. Yep. It’s down to us small church folk. We’re the sole banner bearers!
I’ll tell you what we’re gonna do – we’re just gonna keep holding onto that prophecy from 30 years ago, putting forth zero effort, not changing a single thing, keep singing those old three stanza hymns, and sooner or later, after us faithful few pray out everyone who’s been holding back revival and they leave for the big church, God’s gonna send us a wave of people. Hopefully I’ll still be alive to see it. Bless God.
We just have to be prepared, Church, because if the prophecy that $150 a night evangelist peddled to the last fourteen churches he preached at actually comes to fruition at ours, I expect our unlikely explosion of congregants to be followed with a litany of accusations of standard-dropping from the envious churches down the street.
And the church said amen.